Is it really going to happen today, Daddy? Are we really gonna eat?
That we are, kids. And this time it's no pipe dream.
I gave your mother some money, towed her car to the supermarket...
...tied her hands to the cart, put my foot on her rear...
...and jump-started her towards the meat department.
So get ready, kids, because soon our mouths will be alive...
...with dead animals from every race and religion.
You make it sound so good, Dad.
Tell us again what supper was like when you were a boy.
You young'uns never get tired of hearing it.
All right. Well, back in the old days, whenever the sun would go down...
...we'd all gather at a table much like this one.
Matter of fact, it was this one.
And there before us, stretched as far as the eye could see...
...was meat.
Oh, do I remember the meat.
I was only 5 years old, but I remember my dad telling me:
"Save your table scraps for Mommy."
Of course, we never did.
Look, Dad, your little boy's eating again.
- Daddy, who made you this meat? - Back then we called her "Mother."
See, kids, "mother" meant home cooking then.
Of course, back then, "gay" meant happy.
Dad, were there any vegetables?
Yeah, but we pushed them off to the side.
Save room for the biscuits and butter. And not that hard butter either...
...that cruelly rips the bread. But soft butter that spreads smooth...
...like your grandma's butt on a barstool.
Where's our meat, woman?
Al, did you get these kids into a frenzy again over this eating thing?
You won't be happy until I'm as afraid to come home as you are, will you?
Well, this is a fine how-do-you-doodie.
You, with your fairy stories about meat.
And you, who goes to the market and brings home what?
Something with letters that aren't even in alphabetical order?
Which, I suspect, are of use for only those who can read.
We were promised food, and what do we get?
Just another meatless Monday. This is no fun day.
It's the meat D.T.'s. Bud, take your sister for a walk.
And don't tie her to a hydrant and go for a soda like last time.
Just because she can't think doesn't mean she can't feel.
Honey, it would be good for you to be seen with a pretty girl.
Yeah, right. They'll just think I paid for her like everybody else.
Look. Buck has a bone.
Oh, God. It's got meat on it.
- Pookie? - Yes, honey?
Take all your clothes off right now.
Oh, baby. You finally want to do it.
No, but I need something to kill my appetite.
Peg, what did you spend the $20 on I gave you for food?
Well, I ate, of course...
...and then I bought this magazine, Amazing Homes.
Just look at this house.
Why can't we have a house with a name like Chateau Paradise?
Well, maybe I'm mismanaging my $3.20 an hour. Let's see.
I'm sure that the shoe salesman that owns this house is...
Wait a minute. No, it's not a shoe salesman.
That's Bob "I'm a Zillionaire" Hope's house.
Maybe this really big house is a shoe salesman...
No, dagnab it. This is a drug lord.
Gee, I feel so worthless. You deserve so much more.
Your rear end should be squashing a couch much bigger than ours.
Honey, you can be so sweet when you want to be.
Don't feel bad. I never expected you to amount to anything.
The guy I fell in love with was just a crazy, carefree guy...
...with an easy smile and a fast car.
Of course, he wouldn't marry me, so I took you.
But I've never looked back.
Except when we kiss.
Don't look back the next time I ask you to open the garage door for me either.
If you do, you might see the mighty Dodge emblem bearing down on you.
Yeah, like I'd really stand in front of your car.
I'm telling you. This magazine says we can have a lovely home.
And it says it doesn't cost very much money.
All it takes is a decorator's eye...
...which I have, according to Professor Lavar.
Professor Lavar?
- How much, Peg? - You're just going to love him, Al.
He's the professor at the Cook County School of Interior Design...
...of which I am now enrolled. - How much, Peg?
I feel so good. $2000 dollars.
I have finally found my calling. I knew you'd be happy for me, honey.
Honey?
Al, watch out. Let me get your tongue.
You spent $2000 on a decorating school?
It must be my fault. I'll take the blame.
I didn't have to say "I do."
I could have taken one of your uncle's shotgun blasts, be done with it.
Then we couldn't have had that great reception...
...where your father whispered in my ear:
"If you like my son, I'm twice as fun."
Come on. Go with me on this decorating thing.
I'm really good at it. You'll see tomorrow.
My assignment is to make one room in this house breathtakingly beautiful.
Peg, this is my house. If you want it to look better, dust.
If you want it to smell better, cook.
If you want it to be happy, leave.
But do not touch this house.
I am not a man happy with change.
Well, that explains your job and your underwear.
I'm warning you. Touch not a hair in this house. Do not redecorate.
I won't.
- A pox on you. - Like I'd notice.
Seems normal.
Normal.
Let me check upstairs.
She listened to me! It's normal!
Son, I'm glad you're here.
I want to talk to you about being a man.
- See, son, a man... - I know what you're getting at.
Do you think I want to be home early on a Friday night?
You think I'm not trying desperately to get a date?
You think I like hearing the chants: "Bud, Bud, alone he'll sit.
- Bud, Bud, will touch no..." - I don't want to talk about you.
I want to talk about my great victory over your mother.
Revel with me. I put my foot down, and your mother listened to me.
And you know why? Because I am the man.
The chief. The king. The boss.
Bob's Big Boy with fries, extra cheese, maybe a little bacon.
God, I'm hungry.
But anyway, Bud, always remember that the man is the boss...
...because the man... And it's proven the world over.
Any country you go to, no matter what it is...
...there's always a word for "man."
Dad, are you absolutely sure you're my real father?
Yes.
Don't you know I called for an immediate blood test?
Son, now I'm going to go celebrate my victory...
...the way a man celebrates his victory.
How long was I out?
A good 45 minutes.
Why didn't you come get me?
Dad, you're always in there for 45 minutes.
You did 45 minutes in the bushes one time.
It was the Jenkins' yard. That was a good spot.
Their roses won prizes that year.
Hi, honey. Hi, Bud. Hey, where's Kelly?
You know, we haven't seen her since you took her for a walk.
So I forgot.
Don't worry.
How much trouble can she get into double-knotted to a telephone pole...
...in front of the Pussycat Theater?
Okay, Al. Now, I know you've seen the bathroom.
What do you think?
Well, Peg, it's just like your hair got larger and became a room.
- So you like it? - You took my once-mighty Ferguson...
...and you put a little pink, fuzzy thing on it.
It cried out to me in its pain, Peg.
It's a toilet, Al. It can't talk.
Well, I've known it long enough to know what it's thinking.
You've desecrated the toilet I call home.
Al, there is plenty of you left in that bathroom.
- Where's my shaving cream? - In the right cup of the bra rack.
- Where's my razor? - In the tampon carousel.
Where's my deodorant?
That is a trick question. You don't use any.
You promised, Peg.
Well, I promised not to do a room in this house.
- A bathroom is not a room. - Yes, it is a room!
It says so in the title. "Bathroom."
From the Greek, "bathrockopeles."
A quiet oasis away from camels and women.
Now I have to machete my way...
...through your pantyhose to use the one upstairs.
Al, I don't think you want to do that.
You see, I did that one sort of more like a woman's bathroom.
You know, it has ballerina faucets and a bidet...
...and a Mel Gibson shower nozzle.
It's shaped just like his head.
God, I feel so clean.
I hope Professor Lavar likes it. Him and the entire class...
...are coming over tonight to grade what I did.
But, Peg, now I have no place to go to the bathroom!
Stop whining, you big baby.
Why don't you at least try the new bathroom?
I put a very special feature on it.
When you flush the toilet, it plays "We've Only Just Begun."
Peg, you know that's our wedding song.
Every time I hear it, it freezes up my innards solid.
Come on, honey.
Just try it. If you don't like it, you never have to do it again.
Yeah, right, I've heard that before. If that was true, explain Bud to me.
No! No!
Peg, I tried it. I don't like it.
- Change it back. - No.
Peg, a bathroom should be cold, white, soothing.
It should say:
"Step up to the bowl, partner, and make it a double."
But, Peg, my toilet's not a man.
My Ferguson has become Fergie.
- Change it back, Peg. - No.
I see we have a battle of wills. Well, that's fine.
Because I will not bend. I will not break.
I will not sit. I will not make.
- Was that John Keats? - That was Bundy.
Al Bundy, man.
And I'm telling you, Peg, if you don't change my toilet back...
...there are plenty of single women out there...
...that have just the kind of bowls I'm looking for.
So test me, Peg.
And you'll see me sitting in a bathroom...
...in a penthouse apartment...
...with a blond with a match waiting outside the door.
- Mother-in-law visiting again? - Yeah. How about you?
- My daughter's home from college. - That's rough.
Hey, new guy.
What are you in for?
Wife made the bathroom pink.
Thanks, guys.
- What's it like in there? - White, cool...
...graffiti disparaging women and a couple boasts from guys...
...about how long it would take them to get Connie Chung pregnant.
Hey, you in there, what'd you do, fall in?
Hey, the new guy's funny.
Hey, you bum.
- What do we do now? - lf you don't mind the drive...
...nothing beats Barney's on the Wisconsin border.
They don't even have gas pumps anymore, just acres of toilets.
Wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here...
...and it's not my place to speak up, but what are we doing?
We're men.
We were put on this planet to...
Well, I don't know what, but we're here, damn it.
And we're Americans.
And we have a right to use the best toilet system in the free world.
Are we to use a gas-station bathroom like some common Russki?
We're being driven from our homes room by room...
...running like a Frenchman from a cap gun.
And from whom?
From our women.
They've taken over our closets...
...driven us out of our bedrooms by their very nakedness.
Now, you guys can take it...
...but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy.
Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.
- Yeah! - All right!
So, what do we do now?
Well, how bad could it be?
I'm going in.
Gee, I've been needing something for church.
Hi, honey. What are you doing home?
I thought you were out on the town, marking your territory.
Woman, I've come to take back what is rightfully mine: my bathroom.
Not now, Al. I'm really nervous.
This is the first thing I've done that I'm proud of...
...since I got them to up your MasterCard limit to $100.
- Hello, Mrs. Bundy. - Hello.
Hi.
Class...
...how many decorating don'ts do we see?
Don't mind him.
He's just chopping wood for his dinner.
Come upstairs and see my bathroom.
Change it, Peg, or suffer the consequences.
What's the worst thing that could happen? You marry me?
Then I have no choice.
And the very next day...
...Al got his bathroom back.
Okay, honey. It's ready.
All right, what would you like to start with?
Something light.
The gas bill.
Pen.
Bromo.
Mortgage.
Pepto.
Department store.
Shotgun.
Al, can't you go any faster?
Let's pretend we're upstairs.
I know. I'll yell, "Not yet."
That always seems to speed you up.
I'm sorry, Peg. Am I bringing you down?
Let me try another attitude.
All right, now, everybody, shoot me!
I know what he needs when he gets like this.
Dad, let's go outside and I'll toss a Frisbee to you and Buck.
No. You always toss it good to him, but me you make jump.
Must be some way I can raise my income.
I just thought of something.
Peg, do you think I should ask for a raise?
Oh, no, honey. That would be too demeaning.
Make them come to you. We can make it.
I don't mind living with a guy...
...who has a $55 limit on his Master Charge.
Kiss me with a hammer.
What's the matter, honey?
It's that school place.
They want me to be a stupid intern at some stupid station. Channel 83.
Nobody watches Channel 83.
Cosmic Dog is a pretty darn good show.
God, it's so unfair.
They gave all the cool assignments to the kids who were awake.
They're gonna make me work nights.
So now when we're wondering where you are...
...we'll check the TV station instead of the bushes.
Go dance alone in your underwear.
Al, the kids are arguing again. Would you talk to them?
Talking to them won't make them go away, Peg.
Besides, I have to concentrate on this raise thing.
It's time I got my dignity back.
Bud, let's get some Windex and a squeegee and hit the off-ramps.
Daddy needs to buy a power tie.
Mom, what am I gonna do?
If I don't do this stupid intern thing, I won't graduate.
Graduation.
Kelly, maybe it's time we had a little talk.
You're getting to be a big girl now...
...and there's something I've been putting off telling you.
But time is slipping by quickly...
...and I don't want you to learn about it on the street.
Honey, there is a thing out there that men will want you to do.
In fact, they'll expect it.
Now, no woman really enjoys it...
...but we do it, get them to marry us...
...and then never have to do it again.
That horrible thing is called...
...work.
- Hold me, Mom. I'm scared. - I know. I know.
But the important thing is to do it early, while you're still young.
That way, when your husband comes home reeking of beer...
...wanting some loving, you'll follow that fat rump upstairs.
Because you'll know...
...that no matter how disgusting the next three minutes will be...
...it still beats the hell out of work.
Thank you, Mom. You're so wise.
Well...
You can't sit on a sofa 20 hours a day and not learn something.
- Who ordered the coffee? - I did.
- Who is that? - That's our new intern.
What we need is a gimmick to get the ratings up.
Look. I made it cloudy way up in the pointy states.
Come on, Al, what is it you're gonna tell us? Is it about your raise?
Not till the whole family's here.
This news is so big, I even want the girl to hear it.
There we go.
It's time. Family...
Mom, Dad, I just got a job for $1000 a week.
- Are you kidding me? - I don't believe it.
- We're rich! - We're rich, we're rich!
Mom.
Mom, she's finally turning pro.
A successful Bundy.
Oh, Al...
...come and brownnose with us.
Why should I? You're already doing a good job.
I'm sorry, honey.
You had an announcement too.
Did not.
Come on, Dad, tell us. We're really interested.
Well, okay.
Well, today I made my stand at work.
I fought, I threw myself on the ground, I screamed like a woman.
But I finally got what I was after. Folks...
...you're looking at a man with a $5 a week raise.
- Gee, Kelly... - Kelly...
Hurry up, Dad, she's gonna be on in a minute.
I still think it's a pretty unfair world when someone...
...who doesn't have a high school diploma...
...makes more than someone important...
...like a Ph.D. or a shoe salesman.
Oh, honey, you may not make much money...
...but Kelly will never have the satisfaction of saying:
"I used to play a little high-school ball."
Son, one day you'll have a girl...
...just like the girl that's killing dear old Dad.
Shut up, Al.
She's coming on!
And now the Action Weather with meteorologist Bill Palomino.
And, yes, girls, I'm still single.
Now let's have some fun. Let's do weather.
It's still sunny here in Chicago, but up in Washington...
...they're expecting more clouds. Right, weather bunny?
Right-o, Bill.
Look, folks, it stays up there all by itself.
Oh, yeah, life's fair.
- And we have tornado warnings... - Excuse me, Bill.
But I have a little inside tip for our viewers.
You see these little clouds?
Now, they won't stick to just anything. Look.
Now, kids, don't try this at home.
Back to you, Bill.
Look at her, Al.
The product of our love.
That's not surprising, is it, Peg?
Al, I know you're a little down...
...what with Kelly making more in a day than you made in the '80s.
But, as far as I'm concerned, you're still the man in the house.
Thanks, Peg. What's for dinner?
- Veal. - I hate veal.
I know, but Kelly wanted it.
And so, as you can all see...
...Kelly Bundy overcame blinding poverty...
...to become the star she is today.
And remember, later there will be a chance...
...for all of you to purchase some of her bath water.
So now, if you'll just wave to Kelly's mother on the way out...
We'll conclude the tour with the car Kelly was conceived in...
...and the garage where she was born.
Al, isn't this exciting?
He didn't even introduce me, Peg.
Well, you know, we discussed it...
...but the legend seemed to work better with you dead.
Oh, God. What a day.
Clouds just would not stick.
I'm bleeding for you. Pass me a bread stick there.
Al, she reaches for a living.
She should relax when she's at home.
Excuse your father, honey. He's an idiot.
Peggy, tell Bud I don't have to pay to get in here.
That's right, Bud. I sold her a lifetime pass yesterday.
Kelly, I've gotta ask you a question.
I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to reveal tomorrow's weather until tomorrow.
To hell with the weather.
Give me the poop on Palomino.
There's one warm front I wouldn't mind settling over me for a few days.
Well, actually, he's not the nice man that he appears to be.
I mean, just today after the weather...
...when I, like America...
...wondered aloud where East Dakota was...
...he went to the station manager and said, "Either the bimbo goes or I go."
Looks like things will start to get back to normal...
...so I guess the next tour comes through...
...you'll be selling my bath water.
Yeah, right, Al. Like I really kept it for five years.
I'm sorry you lost your job, Kelly.
My job? They canned him like a tuna.
I mean, after all, I am the one in the short skirt.
And you always will be, honey.
Your first job. How exciting.
Working during your high-school years.
That's what I did.
While everyone else was out having fun.
But I was saving for a college education...
...and that's what it went for.
My sister's college education.
And, of course, Mother wouldn't dream of asking her to work.
No. Because sis was too pretty and too delicate...
...to be hauling around slabs of meat.
Now she's a physicist, and I can stuff a sausage...
...with one hand tied behind my back.
So everything worked out.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
...what happened to my life? My youth?
Peg, do you mind here?
All I want is my fair share.
To go to the prom, to work on a float...
...to have a date with a boy...
...instead of a pork shoulder I call "Vinnie."
Peggy, do I deserve to be treated like this? I mean...
Thank you.
God. She needs a date worse than I do.
Mom, she really depressed me.
Oh, honey, it's all right.
I know what would make you feel better.
Al, tell us again about your raise.
How much was it?
You're the greatest, Mom.
But I really do need some advice.
Mom, I'm on the horns of an enema.
See, in order to be the weather girl, I'd have to work full-time...
...and that would mean I'd have to quit school.
Gee, Kelly.
Quitting school's a big step.
I mean, that's where we get our pens and pencils.
And our little cartons of milk.
Al, talk to her.
What's left to say, Mama Walton?
Come here, young lady.
Now, Kelly, you've gotta stay in school.
It's important for your future.
Now, look at me.
If I didn't have a high school diploma, I'd just be a...
Well, maybe I'm not a good example...
...but it does help other people.
You know, lawyers, doctors, astronauts.
Everybody except me.
- Daddy? - Give Daddy a second here.
What happened to me?
I'm not a stupid man.
Oh, well. It's important to stay in school.
You can command a much bigger salary with a diploma than without it.
How much will they pay you to be this... weather girl?
Well, the contract is for three years at, um...
$250,000 a year.
All right. High school is for dummies.
I wanted to pull you out of 7th grade...
...but your mother and that county wouldn't let me.
What about the astronauts, Al?
You name one that's doing better than my little girl here.
Now, Pumpkin, you're going to need a manager.
Should be somebody close to you, maybe a family member...
...someone you can trust.
Well, I trust you, Daddy.
And I love you, Pumpkin.
Now, I know you want Daddy, but he doesn't come cheap.
I'm gonna have to retire from the shoe business to manage you.
Al, can't you sell shoes and rob Kelly at the same time?
Shut up, Peg, if you want to live here with me and my baby.
Now, I'll take 40% of the gross.
What's "gross" mean?
She's some special little girl, isn't she, Peg?
Daddy, can I ask you a favor?
You don't have to ask. Peg, take the boy and the dog and get out of here.
No, Dad. I want to know if I can get a Porsche.
They said I could have one if you cosign the loan.
Right, so I would be responsible. Forget it, you don't need a Porsche.
Why, for the same amount of money, you could have my old Dodge.
Come on, Kelly. Daddy's not the only parent you've got.
Forget it, Peg. You can have a percentage of our son, Buck.
- Bud. - Bud, Buck. What's the difference?
Take them both. Kelly's my baby.
And if my baby wants a Porsche, a Porsche she shall have.
- Dad, can we stop for ice cream? - We sure can, if you're paying.
- Veal again? - Kelly likes veal.
If Kelly wanted my head on a platter, would you do it for her?
Honey, for a quarter-mil a year...
...l'd make Bundy-kabobs out of you and your father.
Family babes.
How's it going?
Al, that suit must have cost a fortune.
Hey, nothing's too good for me.
Peg, I'm telling you, I'm a changed man.
You're looking at a whole new Al Bundy.
Did you get Kelly's contracts all finalized?
Well, just a couple sticky points to iron out.
Tomorrow I'm bringing out the big guns.
Gonna get me one of them high-class Sears lawyers.
I quit my job too.
Yeah, they begged me to stay, but I laughed in their faces.
I told them, " Hey! If I need an extra 5 bucks a week...
...l'll get it from my little girl."
Aw, gee, honey.
Who would have thought that big 30 seconds...
...you spent 17 years ago would pay off like this?
And you said it wasn't any good!
Well, I'm getting all A's in school.
My teacher said if I keep it up, I could make school valedictorian.
Yeah. That and 25 cents will buy you a bag of chips.
Well, time to watch our little meal ticket do the weather.
I'm nervous, Al.
Chill out, babe. All she has to do is read it off the TelePrompTer.
And now, our Action News Weather...
...with meteorologist weather bunny, Kelly Bundy.
Hello, everyone.
Hi, Daddy. I lik e my car.
By the way, Jim here is too modest to tell you...
...but he won the big office pool...
...on how many people died in that train wreck in Peru.
Way to go, Jim.
Anyway, on to the weather.
"There is a...
...strom coming to...
You know, that reading tutor is really paying off.
...to chick ago."
Chicago!
There's a strom coming to us?
- What's a "strom"? - Storm!
Why don't they just put peanut butter on her gums like they did with Mr. Ed?
"Winds are up to 30 muphs."
That's "miles per hour," you idiot!
Hey, I'm not an idiot.
I happen to be a meterlalalogist.
Dork.
Anyway, "Strom clods are forming..."
Clouds! Strom clouds!
Never mind. Somebody get her off.
I'm ripping up her contract. She's gone.
All A's, huh?
I know what you're thinking, Al.
If only you'd let Kelly sign her contract when she wanted to...
...we'd be rich.
Or are you thinking:
"You know, if I had the brain of a goldfish, I could get a better job"?
I guess I ought to get my old job back, huh?
Well, I don't know, Dad. You might be a little rusty.
Are you sure you can still do this?
I love you guys.
What a disaster, huh?
The real killer was the Porsche.
How bad could the depreciation be? She drove it four miles.
That can only be what, about 8, $10,000?
Hello.
It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.
Kelly?
Yes, we still love you.
Yes, I'm glad you like your car.
Of course you can keep it after this.
She is an idiot.
Kelly, be very, very careful.
Drive very carefully.
Yes, we still love you. Be very, very careful.
Thank God, she's just right down the street.
Here she comes.
Easy, Kelly.
Thank God. She's in the garage.
Peg, if anything happened to that Porsche, my life would be...
Hello? It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.
Tell her "hi" for me.
So, what's up?
Dad mad?
No. He's just a little concerned for your safety.
Come on in.
Al, were you watching Shane again?
Phone company commercial.
Had this father and his kid.
They were walking down this country road...
...or alley or something.
They were kicking this rock or pine cone or something...
...and then the father was old...
...and the kid was grown-up, and...
...he called him. Oh, man.
You know, Peg, I wish Bud lived far away, so I could call him.
How many beers did you have tonight, Al?
I don't know.
Kids grow up so fast.
Sometimes I don't think we spend enough time with ours.
Have dinner with them, touch them, kick things.
I miss that.
Bud! Bud, come down here.
- What did I do, Dad? - Nothing.
It's just that I don't get to talk to you too much anymore.
How's the fourth grade?
Fifth grade, Dad.
How about that, Peg?
Bud, where are you going tonight?
I'm going down the block to Joey's house and watch TV.
- That's fine. Bud? - Yeah, Dad?
If you're gonna be late...
...call.
That's a moment he'll always remember.
Hey, Al, let's go out tonight. You know, to a restaurant or something.
Come on! When we were dating, we used to go out all the time.
Eating costs a fortune, Peg.
Besides, we have other expenses right now.
In a couple of years, our kids are probably gonna want to go to college.
- All right, where do you want to eat? - Good.
That must be Steve and Marcie. I told them we'd eat with them.
You just lost yourself a meal, Peg.
Hey, neighbors. Ready to put on the old feedbag?
What do you feel like tonight? Japanese, Thai, Moroccan?
Al only eats plain food. You know, like burgers and pizza.
Come on, Al. Live a little.
You can't go through your whole life ordering food through a clown's head.
Oh, yeah?
Cook some food!
- Let's go out to eat, honey. - What the hell. I ain't paying for it.
That's my man.
Got a date. Gotta run. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad.
Hold it a minute. Some guy honks his horn, you come running?
- Now, I want to meet him. - You can't.
Roger doesn't meet parents. It's his policy.
Roger sounds like a very nice boy, but I think I'll meet him anyway.
- By the way, what's his last name? - I don't know.
But don't make him drive off, because I love him.
Maybe I better go out there and make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid.
This is so embarrassing.
I know Dad's going to misinterpret the dog collar around Roger's neck.
I can't believe they've been out there for over an hour.
- What could they be doing? - It is a long time for two people...
...with nothing in common to be spending together.
Then again, Steve went out to make sure Al doesn't do anything stupid.
That could take a while.
- Can I go now, Dad? - Sure, honey. Go ahead.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
Sure. I'll have a great time.
The big windows at school are probably smashed by now.
Al, we're starving. What were you two doing out there for so long?
Peg, we just outsmarted a teenage boy.
We sure did. Honey, you wouldn't believe it...
...but underneath all that rust, that kid was driving a '65 Mustang.
That's what you were doing for an hour?
Looking at a 20-year-old rusted pile of junk?
No, of course not. We bought it.
You made a major purchase without consulting me?
It's a car, honey.
For us hombres. Right, Al?
You bet you. You bet you, Steverino!
Tell me, Steverino...
...did it ever occur to you that we don't need another car?
It's not just a car, honey. It's a piece of history.
A 289 with dual carbs and a pony interior.
Where did you learn to talk like that?
Come on, honey. After all, I was a guy before I met you.
He was, honey. Do you believe it?
He had a Mustang when he was in college.
I always wanted one, but I could never afford it.
I hate to break this to you, but we still can't.
Sure, we can.
The car we bought is a total piece of junk.
Yeah. Besides, we split it.
We're going to restore it, make it worth a lot of money...
...and never sell it.
Come on. Let's get in that garage and strip the rust off this baby.
- Hey, what about taking us to dinner? - Yeah.
Honey, we can't afford to eat out now.
We just bought a car.
- Good night, Mom. - I thought you had a date.
Roger said he sold his car to a couple of idiots.
You think I'm gonna be seen walking with a guy...
...who wears a dog collar?
I hate that car, and everything it stands for.
Well, you have to admit...
...the boys have been getting along this week.
Who cares?
That car is beginning to take over our lives.
Today I brought it to Steve's attention that his fingernails were dirty.
Do you know what he said?
He said, " It's not dirt. It's Mustang juice, baby."
Well, Al is reawakening certain ugly, manlike qualities in Steve...
...but this could work to our advantage.
You see, they bought something that we hate without asking us...
...and that is bad...
...but now we have the right to go and buy whatever we want...
...without asking them, and that is good.
It's in the Bible.
But we can't afford to buy anything.
Well...
...then let's just be mean as hell.
Peg, Marcie, we just wanted you to know...
...we rebuilt one of the carburetors in the Mustang.
Road warriors!
- We're bored. - And mean as hell.
Wanna come out in the garage and use one of the sanders?
Not on the car.
- You still owe us a dinner. - That's right. We've been patient.
We can't force you to go to bed with us...
...but we insist you take us out to eat.
Okay.
- Steak place okay with you, buddy? - You got it.
Steve, we're vegetarian. You don't eat meat.
Honey, I'm working on a car.
"Honey, I'm working on a car."
I'm sorry I neglected you all week, Marcie.
I don't know what got into me.
It was the car, Steve.
But it has brought you closer to Al, so at least we don't...
...have to suffer that uneasiness whenever we come over here.
You can't be serious. I have to stay with Bud...
...so you can go out with those boring people that live next door?
Yes.
I have to lose a night of my glory days for a couple of complete orthos.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Rhoades.
It's nice to see you, as always.
Kelly, could you please bring me a tissue?
Get one yourself, you little zit!
Never mind. I found a whole bunch of them in your bra.
Excuse me.
You're still on the pill, aren't you?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
We had to dig through the hamper to find a shirt for Al.
Peggy, did you make the reservation?
Yes. And we're going to get a great table.
We made it under the name of Dr. Bundy.
By the way, Marcie, we told them it was your birthday...
...so we'd get a free cake.
Just play along when the waiter starts singing.
Well, I could eat a horse.
- I won't be, will I? - Kelly, we're leaving!
The phone number's on the refrigerator...
...and make sure Bud is asleep by 10:00.
He's already sleeping, Mom.
I love you too, Bud. We're ready to go.
Great news!
I got an original ashtray for the car.
An ashtray?
We gotta go now. He's got another offer.
- Forget it. - That's right. We're going to dinner.
The restaurant will hold our reservations...
...because, after all, it's your birthday and I'm a doctor.
Come on, girls, we're going to the ghetto.
It's beautiful.
Look at it, Steve. It's a virgin.
There has never been a cigarette in that ashtray.
Are you irritated because we left you in the car...
...when we went to haggle over the price?
Oh, no. I had a great time.
I like sitting in a car that's being rocked back and forth...
...by grown men yelling, "Hubba-hubba, my name is Bubba!"
But I think Marcie's a little ticked.
This is the worst birthday I've ever had.
I've never been so humiliated.
What about me? They offered me $20.
They offered me 30.
That was for both of us, pretty mama.
I got them to leave, didn't I?
Yes, you did, honey, and you were so clever.
I wish I had thought of throwing my purse down the street.
Nothing I ever do is good enough for you, is it, Peg?
Now I'm gonna go put the ashtray in the car.
I'll help.
I swear to God, as soon as Steve goes to sleep tonight...
...l'm gonna smash that car into little bits.
Except for the ashtray.
I have special plans for that.
Well, maybe we've been too hard on the guys.
Cars are in their blood. You see, with men...
...they hear the engine, and they think it's their engine.
They see the sleek and smooth lines of the car...
...and they think they're sleek and smooth.
Then they reach for that stick shift, and...
Well...
...you know what I mean.
I don't know, there's something about a stick shift.
Yeah. I don't know what it is.
- That's a nice one, isn't it? - Got the ashtray ready?
Yeah, right here. Be my guest.
You know something?
It doesn't get any better than this.
You know, Steve, you're not my kind of guy or anything...
...and I don't wanna hang around with you...
...but you know your cars. - Well, thanks, Al.
Remember, I used to have one of these babies.
Gee, I loved that car.
Those were the days.
Being alive really meant something then.
You used to buy a car to have fun.
Now you worry about four doors, mileage...
...whether or not you'll survive a head-on collision.
I mean, who cares?
Looking cool and going fast. That's what cars should be for.
Hey, Al?
You think we'll still look cool?
What are we, old men?
These things are classics.
Everybody looks cool in these things.
Wait till we get this thing finished.
Yeah, it's gonna be great, buddy.
There's nothing like a nice, healthy salad.
Yeah. It's much better than going to some restaurant...
...where you can sit back and relax...
...while some peon serves your every need.
No beverage?
Sorry.
I never thought I could have this much hate for an inanimate object.
You mean Al?
Yeah. And that car.
Well, you know, Marce...
...the love of a nice automobile is not just a guy thing.
You can't tell me you never dated a guy because of his car.
- Never. - Come on.
Well...
...don't tell Steve...
...but there was this guy in high school. He had a GTO.
A black one.
But I finally had to break up with him, because...
This is so disgusting.
He wanted to, you know...
...get me in the back seat of the car.
- So did you? - Of course not.
It's so dirty and tawdry.
No, it isn't.
- You did that? - Well, sure.
It gets expensive chipping in for a hotel every few days.
I just never could.
Steve wanted to, but I'm glad we didn't.
It's still our family car.
We put groceries back there.
Well, good news, girls. We got the ashtray in.
Where's Steve?
He's still out there playing with the top.
- He gets carried away. - I'm gonna go get him.
It's late, and we have to pick out his clothes for tomorrow.
Hello?
Albany? Collect? Hell, no, I'm not...
We'll pay for the charges!
Hello? Dr. Mustang?
You got the ornament? He got the little horse.
Yeah. You got yourself a deal.
I'll send the check in the morning.
Best to Mrs. Mustang.
Wow! The little horse! Come on, we gotta go tell Steve.
Don't you two want to be alone for this?
Isn't that sweet?
It's their first time in a car. Come on, honey.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Peg.
Hey, Steve! We got the horse!
All right!
Well, it's almost time for the unveiling.
To tell you the truth, I'm kind of curious.
I haven't seen it since they painted it.
Aren't you getting excited?
What's that supposed to mean?
Come on, Marce. It's been three weeks.
You can look me in the eye.
I can't help it.
I'm still so embarrassed, especially around Al.
He doesn't say anything, but I know when he looks at me...
...he's thinking about how he caught us in that car.
Believe me, I've known him a long time...
...and when Al's not talking, he is not thinking.
Girls, time for the unveiling.
- Big deal. - Well, it will be for you, Marce.
This is your big chance to see the outside of the car.
Come on, let's go.
- Gee. It's beautiful. - Shut up, Peg.
This is a big moment, and I wanna make sure it's right.
Okay. Ready.
Al, it really is beautiful.
Yeah, we know.
Come on. Let's take this baby for a spin.
Girls, get in the back seat. Peg, Marcie can show you the way.
Steve, I'll drive. We'll take a nice spin out in the country.
You sit and lean coolly out the window.
We'll pretend these are our mothers.
I'm sorry about the car, honey.
You couldn't have known it was stolen.
I think Al might have gone a little overboard...
...starting the fight with that policeman.
Al had it in his head that the cop might have been an impersonator.
Sorry I put that in your head, Al.
By the way, Al?
They say the effects of the stun gun will wear off in a few hours.
Yeah, you were really holding your own...
...until that angry mob showed up.
I wonder where those farmers got their stun guns.
Well, there goes our dream, old buddy.
Al?
They impounded the car.
We'll never see it again, except at the trial.
Well, at least one good thing came out of this.
We found we could have a good time together...
...and that's more important than any car.
Hear, hear.
It's still early. Why don't we go out and get some dinner...
...kick back and lick our wounds?
- Let's go eat. - How about Japanese?
Thai? Moroccan?
Whatever. Al won't know the difference.
Okay, everybody.
It's time for the weekly Bundy baby progress report.
Well, I can sense your excitement.
Even though one of us is missing, I think we should still begin.
Let's start with the reading of the minutes from our last meeting. Kelly?
"At the beginning of the last meeting...
...I suggested we have no more meetings.
It was seconded by Bud, my brother...
...and Dad, my daddy.
We stared dully at Mom and then were forced...
...into a chorus of 'We Love the Baby.'
Then Mom left to pee...
...and Dad suggested that we play a gleeful round...
...of 'How Fat is She? '
Dad guessed 415 pounds.
We all laughed, and Dad said:
'Don't write this down, Pumpkin."'
That concludes my report.
Let the record show your father is a weenie.
And now, can we have a report from the treasury?
Let the record show your father has nothing in his pants.
Oh, my God. Baby meeting!
Get back here, young man!
Yeah, pay your respect to the fetus just like the rest of us.
Most glorious inhabitant of the womb...
...please accept the blessing of this unworthy one.
I love you more than I love myself.
Hail baby.
The baby is pleased.
You may sit.
Listen, I have great news.
As the only intelligent living male Bundy...
...l'm proud to announce I've gotten a scholarship...
...and I'm going to junior college.
And just how does that pertain to the baby?
Thank you.
So I decided to start college across town...
...instead of this neighbourhood, where I'm accused...
...of being a total social failure.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Bud.
I'm sure lots of cool guys...
...spend their Friday nights watching Star Trek reruns...
...hoping to catch a glimpse of Klingon cleavage.
Let the record show that I was wetting the screen with my tongue...
...to clean it.
To continue...
Chicks love new blood.
So I'm assuming a whole new identity.
As of now, my story is I'm a bad-boy rapper...
...from the streets of New York.
Goodbye, Bud Bundy.
Hello, Grandmaster B.
What does the B stand for?
"Brother of an idiot."
Anyhow, if anyone asks...
...my parents sent me here to clean up my act...
...because I either killed a guy or spray-painted a tree or something.
Excuse me, but isn't that the plot for The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Well, that's an NBC show, so who would know that?
So if anyone asks, I'm not related to any of you.
And I'm coolly dangerous.
I am not going to be dateless this year.
- Now, if you've finished, Bud... - B.
And just yesterday he was in diapers.
Literally.
I killed a man in New York, you know.
Forgive me, Ghostbuster B.
It's Grandmaster B.
Of course, honey.
Now, let's get back to the baby meeting.
Given the fact, and I would like this to go on record...
...that your father earns nothing...
...it seems that we'll be a little pressed for room...
...when the blessed event comes.
- Hail baby. - Hail baby.
Who is loved more than all babies that came before him.
Now, since we have limited space...
...I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me.
We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed.
I would like the record to show...
...that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah.
I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome...
...with Roseanne and her cool husband.
I would rather play naked Twister...
...with every one of the Golden Girls...
...than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed.
I've said my piece. Thank you.
Hail baby.
All right then, let's have a vote.
All those in favour of the baby sharing a room with Mommy and Daddy?
- Opposed? - I must use my veto power.
- Motion is carried. - Veto! Veto, I say!
All right, everybody, I'll see you at the next baby meeting.
But for now, Mommy must use the bathroom.
Al, if you would be so kind...
I'm warning you, Peg.
You will not make a mockery of my veto power.
I am the man of the house, and my will is law!
For the record, she's now up to 500 pounds.
This is my temporary crib, babe.
Thanks for carrying my books.
Anything to help keep your gun hand free...
...Mixmaster B.
That's Grandmaster B.
And I don't carry a gun anymore.
Because I have a new life here in Bel-Air...
I mean, Chicago.
Have I shown you my scar?
You scare and excite me when you talk like that.
Take me.
First, do it for me, B.
Give me your rap.
All right.
And now...
You may take me.
Thank you.
No problem.
Well, look.
My little man is getting his first kiss.
You're the coolest, Grandma B.
That's Grandmaster B.
Look, babe...
...I think I'm going to have to rap my way out of the rent now.
You go on home and wait by the phone.
If I call and you're not there, you go to the bottom of the list.
What did I tell you two?!
I am Grandmaster B.
Grand. Master. B.
Mom, I'm cool. You're ruining it for me! I'm cool.
Gee, I'm really sorry, Grand Marshal B.
No, Mom, I think it's Bed-Wetter B.
Are you sure? I thought it was Court Jester B.
Peg!
Guess what I found in the attic?
It's something of my father's that served him well for 20 years.
And now, will serve me for the rest of my life.
A pair of socks?
Bud, what do you think I found?
If it's a rubber woman, Dad, I can explain.
You send away for one Archie comic...
...the next thing you know, they put you on a list...
Pumpkin?
You found a pumpkin, Daddy?
Well, I guess I'll tell you all...
...since none of you singly deserve to know.
I found my father's hammer.
This hammer has been in my family for generations.
With this, my father hit the now-famous Bundy nail.
And upon that nail, he did hang his hat.
My dad had one great dream...
...and that dream was handed down...
...from generation to generation of male Bundys:
To build their own room...
...and live separately from their wives.
Sadly, they all failed.
No, genetically they all failed.
Well, not me! I'm going to do it!
Look, Dad. I've got your hammer.
Your little boy's gonna build his own room.
Mom, who is he talking to?
Grandpa.
Hi, Grandpa.
Look, Dad, I'm building my own room.
I'll dedicate the first nail to you.
Damn cheap Sheetrock!
I can't believe you're gonna let that moron move out of your room.
Marcie, you're assuming he can actually do this.
You know the Bundy legacy:
What they don't finish in 30 seconds, they never finish.
Besides, you know, it's important...
...to let your man fail in front of your eyes.
It's a great thing to see.
You know the fun we have watching them fail at sex.
Do I ever.
Like when you say:
"It's okay, honey.
I'm sure it happens to all men.
It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, does it?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or when you say:
"It's okay, honey. You're probably just tired...
...and unsure of your manhood."
Or, " It's okay.
We can just lay here and hold each other.
That's just as good."
Then when they lay their head on you like a child, trembling...
...it is just as good. God, you just want to laugh.
Well, believe me when I tell you, it is just as much fun to watch them fail...
...with their clothes on.
Watch.
I can't get the nails to go in straight.
Gee, honey, it's probably just because you're tired...
...and unsure of your manhood.
I did not fail. I'll build that room! I will, it's just...
I've got a lot on my mind right now.
One week later
Mom, do you think he's actually doing something in there?
Honey, must I remind you of his family tree?
Do we not remember Amadeus Bundy?
Who, when Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone...
...tried to patent shouting as a cheaper alternative?
Or how about Wrong-Way Bundy...
...the original inventor of the shotgun.
Only he never quite perfected which way to point it.
We later called him Headless Bundy.
But, Mom, Dad's not like the others.
He sells shoes.
It's done!
Now, come in and take your first and last look.
All right now, kids. Daddy has worked very, very hard at this.
And it means a lot to him.
So nobody laugh until I do.
Wow, Al. You did all this with just a hammer?
Not just a hammer, Peg.
Dad's hammer.
Al, you're not really thinking about moving away...
...from me and the baby.
Thinking of it? I've done it!
Be gone, jackals!
But, Al...
At last...
...I can do what every male Bundy wants to do.
Well, they're out of sight.
I wonder how long it'll take till they're out of mind.
Done.
Well, that must be that life I ordered.
Hi, Al.
Please, Al, let me stay with you.
I'm afraid of Marcie. She wants sex all the time.
I mean, having sex with your pregnant wife...
...it's like putting gas in the tank of a car...
...you've already wrecked.
Thank God mine pulls into self-service.
Al? Al, I'm begging you.
I mean, you remember what it was like when you first got married?
Sex wasn't enough. They also want, God help me...
...foreplay.
There, now, now, now. Al's here.
Take it easy, now, big fella.
Save me.
All right, but just one night. And on one condition:
- What? - It's just you and me...
...and you don't tell one single guy about this place.
I swear.
Hey, Bobby, throw me that.
Tater storm.
Maybe I wasn't being clear when I said tell no one.
Come on, Al. It's okay. We're just having some good, clean...
...normal, guy fun.
Come on, pull my finger.
Hey, Al, it's my arm.
And I thought I ran with a cool pack in high school.
Do you mind if we turn out the lights and tell some scary stories?
Gee, I thought we'd strip down to our underwear...
...and sing "Puff the Magic Dragon."
My underwear's got a hole in it.
Well, then maybe you can play the guitar.
What's wrong with you idiots?
Any second, the women are going to come pouring through that door.
Don't you know they can sense a man smiling a mile away?
Al, don't worry about it.
I had all the guys promise that they wouldn't tell anyone. Right?
- We swear! - We swear!
And so I move that this room shall be our clubhouse...
...for our newly formed ladies group W.O.M. B...
...which stands for "Women Owe Men Bubkes."
- All in favour? - Aye!
- Opposed? - Veto.
Motion carried.
Where do we go when we're feeling emotional?
We can use Al's bathroom.
Thou shalt not insult my bowl with pregnant heinies.
Where are you going, Al?
Ladies, and by that I mean you guys...
...l'm going to tear this room asunder.
It is evil. It has been tainted, woman-ed!
It must be destroyed.
Keep the gates open, Dad!
I got a busload coming for you!
Go for it, son.
Well, for this special baby meeting...
...we'd like to welcome Daddy back.
A man who kept his garage up for five hours.
Just four hours longer than he could keep his zipper up.
Let the record show...
...that the chairperson shares not only the wit...
...but also the body of Buddy Hackett.
Duly noted.
Let it further show...
...that Daddy also discovered an important thing today.
The true legacy of Dad's hammer is failure.
Dad failed with it, I failed with it...
...and every male Bundy who comes after me will fail with it.
And speaking of failure, where's the other male Bundy?
You mean the Bushwhacker?
No, it's the Burgermeister.
Where'd you get this scar?
Was it in Desert Storm?
Well, I had my own little Desert Storm, baby...
...in the streets of New York.
Yep. We're the warriors that don't get the ticker-tape parades.
Oh, Grandflasher.
That's Grandmaster.
Now, kiss me before I do.
Dustbuster? Dustbuster, are you okay?
Shut up. I'm dying, you buffoon!
Mommy! Mommy!
Boy, I love the rain.
Have ever since I was a little boy.
Dad used to say rain is the sound of angels flushing.
Good night, Peg.
Oh, Al...
No, Peg, I'm tired.
Come on, honey. You don't have to be awake.
Just the usual, " I'm done, how about you?" will be fine.
Come on. Look, let's compromise.
I'll set the alarm clock for 2:00...
...that way you can get a little rest.
And I'll wile away the time listening to your body ferment.
Great. I'm the only guy in the world that has to wake up to have a nightmare.
- Good night, honey. - Good night. I'll see you at 2:00.
Peg!
Peg, the roof's leaking. It's raining on the bed.
Well, it's nice and dry on my side, honey.
You mean you'd switch with me, Peg?
No!
Come on, Al. Let's do it.
Show Mommy you can beat the lightning.
I'm gonna fix the roof.
Why would you wanna go up there...
...when you could stay here and fix me?
Because when I'm done, the roof won't ask me to fix it again.
Bud, Kelly!
What is it, Mom? Creditors?
- I'll go boil the water. - No, no, no, not this time.
Now, sit down, kids.
Look. I know sometimes you feel you don't see enough of your dad.
And you think he's maybe too busy to care for us.
Well, get ready, because your father is about to do something for us...
...that we'll never forget.
And I want us all to enjoy it as a family.
Now, just look over at that window.
About...
...now.
All right.
That was great. That was really great.
So good.
Okay, kids, back to bed.
Thanks, Mom. Tell Dad he was cool.
You know, I'm gonna do something special for him.
I'm gonna give him back his wallet.
But not the cash.
We didn't see him land.
1:57.
Honey, you fell.
Yes, cupcake.
I fell.
But obviously not far enough.
Poor baby, you must be hurt.
Why don't you go to sleep now.
Well, I'll be darned.
Is it 2:00 already?
All aboard!
Boy, look at that rain come down.
It's not fit for man or beast.
All right, who's going up with me?
Besides Bud.
Dad, if you really expect someone to go up on that roof with you...
...they'd have to be a total moron.
Oh, no. I'm not going up there.
Al, be sensible. Just call a professional roofer.
There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America.
We've lost our spirit of self-reliance.
Something's leaking, call someone.
Something's broken, call someone.
One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone.
Whatever happened to the old American spirit of:
"I can fix it myself"?
What happened to rugged American manhood?
We don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests aren't back from the lab.
Chew Dad's sock.
Eat Mom's food.
We're missing the point here.
I want to inspire you guys to great heights.
Bud, you could be a doctor or a lawyer. Kelly...
You could button your own coat.
Anyhow, I want you guys to see what one Bundy can accomplish.
I want you to say, "There's no task Daddy can't do."
Then they better not ask me.
Dent a cushion, Peg.
Anyhow, guys, Bundy men have always been masters of their fate.
Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure knew his way around a toolbox.
There was a fixing man.
You mean Grandpa Hook?
Yeah, well, circular saws were new back then.
But damn it, he carved his own hook afterwards. He carried on.
You didn't see him calling someone.
Well, it would have been difficult for him to hold the phone.
You know, he only had one finger left on that other hand.
After that mix-up with the nail gun.
One finger is all a real American needs.
Scoff if you will...
...but Grandpa Hook's blood runs in my veins. I will fix this roof.
And show you all that Daddy can do it.
Mom, does this mean that Daddy's too cheap to call a roofer?
Now, honey, let's give your father some credit.
He may just be too stupid.
Now, we all know Daddy's going to fall.
You know what you've gotta do.
Get the camera.
No, we actually have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor...
...in the wedding album.
Go get the old wading pool out of the garage.
Paint "Here comes stupid" on the bottom of it...
...and hold it under him.
Well, that pool's kind of old. Won't Dad fall right through it?
We'll just hold it closer to the ground.
God, you're a moron.
Peggy, you won't believe the good news.
Steve just called. He finally got a job.
He sounded very excited.
- What's he gonna be doing? - I don't know, but I bet it's big.
He sounded like the old Steve on the phone.
Confident, proud, money-grubbing.
I can't wait to see him.
His tie swinging erectly in the wind.
His taut buttocks yearning to break free...
...from their gabardine bonds.
Peggy, I finally have my Steve back.
So here. I'm returning your shower massage.
If only it could take out the garbage, huh?
Hi, Marcie. I'm glad you're here.
Bring that second income to Mommy.
- How much are you making? - Well...
...Marcie, now, it's not how much you make...
...it's how meaningful the work is to you.
Sure it is. How much?
Well, actually, I'm making $3.40 an hour.
What do you do? Dance in the park in your underwear?
You happen to be looking at the new pet-handler...
...and executive cage-cleaner at Slithers.
Chicago's fifth largest exotic pet emporium.
I guess you'll be wanting this back.
Marcie, it's the greatest job in the world.
And I brought home a little friend.
It's Scoopy!
Now, Scoopy is a Peruvian devil gerbil.
Don't let the name fool you. He's really quite friendly.
Only the female of the species is actually poisonous.
Isn't he cute?
Bud, Kelly, come see this!
No!
What is that, Mom?
Cool, food!
- I'll get the mayo! - Hey!
This is not food, you druids.
This is love on paws. Look.
You must be very proud, Marcie.
Proud as punch.
Why, Steve, this is just the beginning.
With hard work and study, you can actually work your way up...
...to cleaning up the doodie of even bigger animals.
Maybe even people.
Come on, Marcie.
Here. Just let him nest on your shoulder.
- Bond with him. - Steve!
He's crawling down my blouse.
He's biting me!
Marcie, believe me, if he were biting you...
...it'd be a lot more painful. You'd be screaming.
Marcie, he's just playing!
Don't roll on the lawn, you'll hurt him!
Poor Marcie!
Help me.
God, I wish there was something we could do for her.
- I hate to see people in pain. - I'm dying.
Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.
Well, it's not all mud. Some of it's colon.
So did you fix the roof, Daddy?
No, Pumpkin, I didn't.
When I got up there, I saw this hole, but I figured it'd be a lot more fun...
...to take a header off the roof into the yard.
Of course I fixed it. I said I'd fix it, and I fixed it!
So I guess we all know what Daddy can do now.
Oh, no.
Loser no more, eh, Dad?
- Can we call a roofer now? - No, we can't.
I'm going back up there.
This time, I'm going with the right equipment.
A Wile E. Coyote mask?
No, my love.
The thing to do is to have the right shoe.
And the left one too, Dad.
Thank you, honey.
Now, damn it, I said I'd fix that roof, and fix it I will!
This is one man against nature...
...and that man happens to be Al Bundy.
And as God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!
Shut up, Peg.
How many more holes did you put in the roof...
...by walking on it in spiked golf shoes?
And by the way, honey...
...this time on your way down, you took out our TV antenna.
I'm sorry, Peg, but I needed something to break my fall.
Since there was no live wire or your neck handy...
...I grabbed the first thing that hit my face.
Well, you know, our reception is shot to hell.
Well, I'm sorry, Peg.
Had I known you wanted to watch Dallas tonight...
...I would've put my hands behind my back...
...and slalomed head first onto the patio.
- Are you ready to give up yet? - I am not.
Just so happens that I have three unbroken bones yet.
I'll see you all drown before I quit.
- Good night, Peg. - Good night, honey.
Turn out the light.
And be careful, Al.
God, it smells like ham in here.
Bud, what are you watching?
There's nothing but snow on the TV.
Gee, looks great to me.
Too bad you don't have the special...
...TV reception adaptor glasses.
Like I do.
Well, I want to see TV too.
Well, you can't.
I've only got one pair.
Would you like to buy mine?
How much?
For you, 20 bucks.
- I don't trust you. - Fine.
Hey.
The new Guns n' Roses video is coming on!
Does Axl ever wear a shirt?
Give me!
Hey, I don't see anything.
Great, you broke them.
Now neither of us can watch TV.
Hey, Mom, I broke my reception glasses.
Well, be more careful next time.
Can't we get someone who can fix the roof and the TV?
Honey, your Daddy wants to take one more shot at it.
And if I stopped your father every time he failed...
...we never would've had you or Bud.
I'm ready.
What do you think of Daddy now?
Gee, Al, you built a moron-on-the-roof suit.
Good luck, you say? Don't need it.
I'm cushioned by your love.
I will now proceed to fix the roof and the TV.
And prove once again that with intelligence and vision...
...one man alone can face any challenge.
Now if someone will rock me to break the suction...
...l'll be on my way.
I think "wow" just about covers it.
Peggy, Marcie had a little reaction...
...to the Peruvian devil gerbil bite.
By the way, I goofed, I took home the poisonous one.
But that's spilt milk. Anyhow, she's a little self-conscious.
Could you just reassure her that she looks perfectly okay?
Come show Peggy, honey.
Now, I ask you...
...is there any reason why this woman shouldn't go to work?
Gee, Marcie, you look fine.
Very natural. What do you think, Kelly?
I don't know, I've never really looked at her before.
I have a hump, you bimbo!
Didn't you always?
Marcie...
...why don't we just get to the real reason you're angry.
It's not that awful, disgusting, puss-filled hump at all.
It's your small spirit.
You're just jealous because I'm pursuing my dream.
What dream would that be, Steve?
To have a wife named lgor?
What was that?
Pay no attention. That's just Al falling off the roof.
But you know, I'm really concerned about the two of you.
I mean, there's no reason for a hunchback...
...and a doodie-scooper to fight.
Now, aren't you ashamed?
I'm sorry, Steve.
Let's go home and cuddle.
After you, my love.
Hey, Mom, should we be worried...
...that Daddy's up there with metal tools in a lightning storm?
Well, who wants to go tell him?
- Well, I'll catch a cold! - My hair would get messed up.
Then I'll hear no more about it.
Mom, why can't we call a roofer?
If it gets any wetter here, the whole house is gonna look like Bud's bed.
Hey, wait a minute, kids.
It's stopped leaking!
You mean Dad actually did it?
Hey, Dad! The roof stopped leaking!
Was there ever any doubt?
Honey, don't forget to fix the antenna.
No problem! Daddy can do it!
- How is it? - Still fuzzy.
How about now?
It's better. Keep doing what you're doing.
How about now...?
It's perfect, Al!
You know, kids, we ridiculed him and made fun of him...
Help me!
...but you know, this time we have to admit:
Daddy did it.
Help! Help me.